(As culled from FX’s, Damages starring Glenn Close, Ted Danson, and some girl who I vaguely recognized in 28 Weeks Later)
5. Blood is too darn hard to get out.
The series starts with Ellen Parsons stumbling down the street covered in blood. Is she a heroine, murderer, or unlucky 1st year associate… you have to wait about eight episodes to find out. By the end of the pilot though, blood has been splashed, splattered and flung to every corner of the room with Pollack-esque enthusiasm.
4. My Professional Responsibility class and the six grueling hours of studying for the MPRE would have been for naught.
Apparently, evidence tampering, witness availability, deposition etiquette, settlement negotiations, interrogation tactics, and MURDER were not dealt with before the Model Rules were instated by the ABA. No wonder the lawyers, such as those portrayed by Patty Hewes (Glenn Close) and Ray Fiske (Željko Ivanek) reacted uproariously to the Sarbanes-Oxley act… they saw it as an end to the wild merry-go-round of “screw the working class guy.” On that note…
3. I do not need to remove my heart.
While I understand the legal profession has no official code on moral responsibility, you would think that certain acts would set off your inner Jiminy Cricket. Case-in-point… your boss calls you to work and there is opposing counsel lying on the floor with his brains decorating the wall. You: (a) Run screaming from the room; (b) Call the cops; (c) Barely acknowledge the fact that you’ve seen so many messed up things in your first two months at your firm that this doesn’t phase you and you nod as your boss asks you to take and hide a redweld containing evidence pertinent to a pending case.
2. I do not have to acknowledge that death is preferable to homosexuality
A subtle plot point that made me wonder where the producers were going with it… apparently having the world find out you may be gay… warrants you sucking on the end of a revolver. Let’s hear it for the people at FX pushing the boundaries of homophobia!
1. I missed out on having the named partner of the firm I would have joined take a personal interest in me.
Oh to be a 3L so coveted that when I make the paralyzing decision to attend my sister’s wedding over the prestigious firm interview, the snubbed partner shows up at the wedding to offer me the job, no questions asked. I wonder how many 3L’s saw this episode and regretted attending the slave market known as “early interview week.”
Damages – now picked up for a second and third season – was generally entertaining, while relying a little too heavily on twists and turns arising out of bizarre dues ex machine. Ultimately, Damages attempts to be a psycho-drama and any legal elements are no more than premises for propelling the show’s plot. Fortunately for FX, Glenn Close’s performance more than carries the show, commanding the audience’s admiration; despite the distaste caused by her character.